Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Minivan Driving Mama is baaaaaacccckkkkkk

I've come to a pretty major life decision.  I am leaving my husband....for my minivan.  I'm sorry, honey, but after 2 weeks and 1 day of driving a wonderfully inconvenient loaner vehicle, the Hyundai Sonata, my beautiful minivan is back where she belongs, in my garage, and I've decided I can never be without her again. *** Sighs and gazes lovingly at vehicle.  I might just sleep in her tonight, my joy is so complete.  The turkeys and I might take a road trip up north tomorrow, just to spend a little alone time with her.  I'm sure she missed us too, she just doesn't know it yet.

What the eff am I doing, talking about my car like a person?  Who the hell have you turned into Andrea? I'll tell you.  I've turned into the mom who loves her effing minivan with all of her heart and soul, that's who.  I've turned into the mom that bonked her kids' heads every time she put them into that damn Sonata.  I've turned into the mom who is incredibly grateful to be able to push a button on the keychain and have the doors slide open, enabling the turkeys to climb right on in, without assistance. In the Sonata, their car seats sat about 8 inches off the seat and unless I moved the driver seat and the passenger seat all the way up, each and every time we got into the vehicle, the turkeys could not climb into their seats.  And every single damn time, no matter how careful I was, I somehow managed to bonk a head.  My kids probably will have permanent lumps.

A few times I did try moving the seats forward but while I was strapping one kid in, the other kid thought it was open season to push buttons, find and swallow pennies (not really, caught that one in the knick of time), climb into the front seat, insert the key into the ignition and all but try to drive the damn car while I was wrestling in the back seat with his brother.  I would end up hot, sweaty and insanely frustrated all the while trying to be that mom.  You know, the mom that keeps her cool in all situations with a smile in place.  That was definitely not me.  So, instead, I just struggled to bend my long ass torso in unbendable ways to put my children in their seats.  But despite my best efforts, I managed to completely fail in the head bonking department almost every time.

Did I also mention how grateful I will be for the door locks to be out of foot's reach?  Yes, the turkeys had loads of fun, locking the doors on me as I was attempting to open their doors.  They giggled and giggled, all at mommy's expense.  I had to utilize some deep breathing techniques after about the 500th time.  Good thing they are so flipping cute.  That's all I have to say about that.

Did I also mention how they happened to lock the keys in the car too, necessitating a trip to the body shop to get the extra set?  Oh, and the day that they, without my knowledge, turned the overhead light on.  It remained on for probably 8 hours or so.  Thankfully, the car started, but it was over the protest of the battery.

Alas, the Sonata, is no more.  It has been turned back over to the body shop so another unlucky person with no rental coverage can use it, in all it's stinky and shaky glory.

And my Sienna, is back home.  I was so nervous driving her again, that I drove like a 89 year old woman this afternoon.  I kept a safe distance at all times, maintained the correct number of car lengths between myself and the car in front of me.  Probably used my turn signals way more than was necessary.  I did not even come close to going through a yellow light.  I was silently cursing all those that had the nerve to pass me on the freeway, certain one of those idiot drivers was going to sideswipe me.  I breathed a deep sigh of relief when we pulled into the garage.

My minivan and I will live a long life together, I have no doubt.  She has many days of ahead of her, driving this soccer mom wannabee and her tots around town.  I made a promise to her today, to never take the slidey doors, DVD system, and roomy interior for granted.  Now, I am going to have a nice glass of red and relax.

In my van.

Love and peace,


1 comment:

  1. I also am having a love affair with my swagger wagon. But it is a VW Routan. Therefore, it has Fahrfegnugen. Your turkeys, btw, sound adorably evil!